Category Archives: Infertility & Adoption

Year 2 With #TwoPigtailsandaCowlick

Dearest Little Ones,

I know it’s a bit hazy to you now, but two years ago, Daddy and I stood before a judge, raised our right hands and promised to love and keep you forever. We said “yes” without a doubt in our minds. You were ours from the first time we met.leavingcola 017

It still blows my mind to think that God so perfectly picked the two of you and the two of us to be together as a family. D, you with your brilliant mind and your tender heart. EG, you with your charming ways and vibrant love of life. God’s gift of you was more than we could have asked or imagined.

It feels like 5 minutes ago that we met you for the first time, yet it seems like you’ve always been a part of us. It’s taken time to get to know your hearts and your hurts and it’s taken time for you to learn to trust our love. I can’t wait to see all the progress and growth and bonds that continue to form as we continue this ordained adventure together.

Thank you for the grace you so freely give, the laughter you infectiously create and for finally starting to sleep through the night.

All My Love & His,

Mommy

P.S. Your Aunt Heather made you this fabulous video :)

Year 1 Video

Hurdle, Party of 4 Video

The Presence Of Pain

I could’ve sworn this time I was.

I was so freaked out that I couldn’t even take the test for fear of a positive sign.

But, I am baffled by my fear. Isn’t this what we’ve been hoping for these last 5 years?

My sheer terror tells me that it’s still less about the baby and more about the “no”.

I hurt less because of empty arms and more because of the ever-elusive answer.

Why on earth, not??

And then there’s the surge of guilt because my arms aren’t actually empty. In fact, they’re not empty at all. My arms are full with Him and His plentiful gifts. 

My pain is muted by Presence.

The Presence of One who sees me in my pain and uses my pain to produce a whole host of things. The presence of dear ones who think to ask and pause to pray. And most tangibly, the presence of two darling children who fill our hearts and home to the brim. I am totally satisfied and complete. Until I’m not.

Because there’s still pain.

I’m the girl who starts her period at baby showers. On Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day and Valentine’s. The cycle of hope and despair is relentless. It’s unstoppable really. And if I don’t have my eyes locked on Him it all just feels mean. 

So, here I sit after 40 minutes of just staring out the window. Trying to lock my eyes with His but making peace with just glazing over in the darkness of early morning. His eyes haven’t moved from me. I can rest in the darkness snuggled and comforted by my well-worn quilt that has faithfully softened the blows.These squares of fabric have been my physical reminder that His banner over me isn’t mean, it’s love. The stillness and quiet help me linger. I’m begging for light to delay its coming.

Daylight means productivity. Productivity and pain don’t mingle well.

But, daylight also means perspective and life and peace and a perfect plan.The Presence Of Pain

So, I think I’ll ease into the day leaning into the pain instead of judging it. I’ll try and attend to the freedom and need I have to be gentle with myself. I’ll share my pain with others, even when and especially when it’s tiring and embarrassing. (Blogging can be this sheepishly weary person’s best way to be vulnerable :) And I’ll choose to pleasure in His Presence in the presence of pain